Chances are, you're familiar with Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton. In fact, he may be one of the most famous authors you've never heard of. Bulwer-Lytton, to his lasting discredit, is the author of the much spoofed line: "It was a dark and stormy night." The unwitting father of a thousand parodies, Bulwer-Lytton even has a mock-prestigious award named after him: The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Award, where the yearly laurels are awarded to the worst ever first lines of fictitious fiction. Sponsored by the English Department at San Jose State University, the contest has several categories: Adventure, Detective, Fantasy, Romance, etc., so aspiring writers have the chance for an epic fail in their genre of choice. All it takes to win is a truly heinous sentence, and the desire to be awarded, if not the top prize ( A Pittance, according to the official website), at least "Dishonorable Mention".
And so, without further ado, allow me to introduce the 2010 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction award - Molly Ringle, and her superbad sentence:
"For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil."
Ready? All together, now: aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
My wheels were turning. I knew for sure I could write an awesomely bad first sentence. But I cannot compete with a thirsty gerbil kissing reference. That is genius.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? She's obviously a literary master of disaster. But go for it anyway, chicken. I'd love to see you take the Pittance in '11. (Or at least dishonorable mention!)
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